ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED Wolverine

I just finished X-Men Origins Wolverine game. The title sort of implies that they would do more in a series that relates to the movie franchises, but I can't honestly see people playing a lot more of these games based on the individual characters. A Wolverine game makes sense because he is the sort of character people want to embody, I can't see an X-Men Origins Dazzler or X-Men Origins Sage seem like poor games, although X-Men Origins Maggot could work.

What I really enjoyed about the game was how light it was. I have been playing a lot of games that have some depth but at times felt like work. Wolverine is a game and it is meant to be fast and fun. It would be easy to complain about this but I think it delivered on its promise to let you play as Wolverine the character and despite the outcry that this may cause in fans all over, I think Wolverine is also a pretty shallow character.

My wife watched me play for a couple of minutes and asked “Does it have to be so bloody? So violent?” My response was “Well, really the only thing he has going for him is knives that come out of his hands, so other solutions to problems don't really come up that often.”


This is how the Wolverine negotiates the release of hostages.

Then I started talking about his penis. It stems from fairly obvious jokes about being able to control the bones that come out of his hands, but I actually do spend a lot of time wondering about the more intimate physiology of super-heroes simply because no one would talk about it seriously. I understand that the adamantium has been used as a coating for his bones so it shouldn't affect his penis. But his regeneration ability is such that I have to wonder what Wolverines “recovery” time is. Has the coating of his bones had a significant impact on his performance in other ways?

This demonstrates the sorts of things that go through my mind when I am playing a game. Nate commented on my next observation noting that I don't complain about gameplay, glitches or similar issues. I comment on how much of a jerk wolverine is when he pulls off dog tags from a dead body. To me, this is an animation which is the complete domain of the developer since there is no interaction with the environment or the player and they have complete control of how it works. So the weird thing to me is some guy sat down and said "I have to come up with an animation for when Wolverine collects this dog tag. This is my chance to make him as much of a douche as I can."


You will use this move a lot.

I know he was probably thinking about the rough, tough character of Wolverine and wished to communicate that, but desecrating the dead isn't the time to be showing off how macho you are.

Wolverine comes across the odd dead soldier. It isn't explained if these are friendly soldiers or enemy soldiers and either way Wolverine seems to be defiling the bodies for no real reason. You could say he was taking a memento, but he didn't kill these soldiers, he just came across them. Therefore there is no real reason for him to take a memento. You could say he is taking the information of his fallen brethren, but why the hell is he showing them no respect at all?


Really, get used to this postition.

He literally bends down over the body, takes a hold of the chain on the soldiers neck and gives it a solid (remember, the guy has mutant strength) yank and a mean sounding “yarrrr” which leaves the body to slump over.

This moment (and there are about 75 in the entire game) happens enough that I couldn't help but wonder why he was doing it. In Gears of War you collect COG tags, but your character is sort of gentle about it and there is that moment of warbling music that every player will recognize. So even though they added in a collectible (for no reason other than to have a collectible in the game) it made sense.

I can't stop, I can't, I really can't stop wondering what the fuck Wolverine was doing. He is a bit of an anti-hero, but generally we love anti-heroes because they so strongly hold to their own code of ethics. But Wolverines actions in this game don't match with anything unless we have been failed to be informed that he has some sort of grave robbing fetish that is the one thing he hates about himself so he steals from the dead, but hates himself for doing it so he gets angry. So angry at his one real addiction. Why, oh why is this the only part of me that doesn't heal?


I'm not joking.

But the feel of cold dog tags from a cold body, its so good. It heals the broken heart that was never covered in an adamantium shell.


Do you like it yet?

Here is a poem dedicated to Wolverines dickish way of stealing Dog Tags.

I see you lying there
So vulnerable
I see that glint
Snikt, I go, snikity
I hold you in my hands
I hold you tight
Then I rip you the fuck off that dumb dead bastard.
YARRRR
Ah, what the hell is wrong with me?

Tommie: Yeah something might be wrong with you. Dog tags. Yike. I actually could not see myself playing X-men Origins Wolverine. (I hate Wolverine. He should fall down an escalator.... a long escalator... with fire coming from between the steps... and meat grinders at either end. Yeah. That would be nice.) I would so play a Sage game though. It would be like Metal Gear or something. Her only weapon would be a nail file and a hair clip and she would walk real slow while explaining with grids and diagrams just how she is going to destroy your mama!